Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
