I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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