Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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