There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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