I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
