I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
