You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
