why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
