I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
