Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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