This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's never too late to be topless.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize