What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
