Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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