I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
