She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
