No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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