Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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