Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
