If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
