I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
