i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
God I need to hump something, right now.
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