It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
