Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
