I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
