If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
