it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
