It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
