somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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