remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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