I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
