i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
