Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
