i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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