I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
