Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
