my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
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