he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
