she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
