Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I have tasted many bathrooms
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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