I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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