if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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