you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
