okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
