Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
