just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
