Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
