i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
