kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
