I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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