Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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