sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
