why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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