my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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