Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I have fence marks all over my body
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
