i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
