Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
