There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
