I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize